I want to be left alone, but it doesn’t help

The Voice* would ideally like me to be in a small dark sensory deprivation chamber. No food, no friends, no feelings. I’ve occasionally rather successfully created the best I can at home – devices on airplane mode, curtains drawn, door locked, windows shut. When I do leave the house The Voice is really quite insistent that I’d be much better off turning around & heading back to the duvet fort. I’ve been in my fort for nearly 5 months now, & it occurred to me yesterday that it doesn’t actually help. Going out is scary, but curling up in a ball with The Voice shouting at me is scary too. Everything is scary.

*(not an actual voice, as I keep telling people. One of the questions asked when I got admitted to the psych ward was ‘do you hear or see things that aren’t there?’ A tricky one, as it requires you not only to be hallucinating but also to be aware that you’re hallucinating. My pink elephants are real, thank you very much.)


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