Letting go

Watched a YouTube video of Dr Anita Johnston using metaphor to describe recovery. Imagine you’re in a fast – flowing river, you’ve fallen in & you’re drowning. You see a log floating by so you grab it & hold on. It saves you. But you need to get to the river bank & get out. You try to let go of the log & swim but you sink. You grab back on. Every time you let go you get a little stronger, but you keep going back to the log for safety. One time you let go for good. And you make it across to the bank, & out of the river.

This analogy really stuck with me. I have a few good days, normally after I’ve seen my nurse, then I sink. In the last week I started to get out of the house, made a few steps forward with my meal plan, then didn’t eat for 3 days in a row. I was back clinging on to the log for dear life. I find it reassuring. I have to know that I still can, if I want to. The Voice is checking in, making sure I don’t make too much progress. I feel afraid of getting well. I don’t know what it means. I know the theory of life out of the river, it just seems so far away. Something that other people do. And then I feel guilty for not throwing myself towards the river bank shouting for help. For just sitting here, safe. I don’t know what to do.

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