Reality

Asked my psychiatrist what psychosis meant yesterday, as she wanted to start me on a very low dose anti-psychotic. I think my face did something like this 😳 (Probably doesn’t help that I just read American Psycho.) It’s none of those things. Nothing bad or dangerous necessarily. Just a detachment from reality. We all have that sometimes, that feeling of ‘this isn’t real’, perhaps after a family tragedy. Or you can believe  you’re the Queen of England & the honey bees are out to kill you. Made me think about how my eating disorder’s voice changed my reality, before I was able to recognise & even fight it.

I had lost 2 stone, & was just slightly underweight for my height. But I couldn’t sit in a chair with arms. I wouldn’t fit. I remember wheeling the chair out of the office & working at the computer kneeling up on the floor. Getting into bed was tricky, as it might break from my weight if I put too much pressure on one area. I knew everyone around me ate 3 meals a day & needed at least 2000 calories, but I didn’t. That was far too much. I’d be horrified & worried if a friend told me they were self-harming but it made sense for me, because I deserved it, & it didn’t matter to harm this body of mine.

Everything was nice & black & white then. I was in my own reality. Where this 3-dimensional mass of flesh tried to rid itself of the world & make everything simple. I was the ‘me’ inside the flesh – I wanted just to be thoughts, lines instead of shapes, shadowless, soundless.

Now the colours return. And the noise & the body. I don’t want want this reality. But I can’t survive without it. I don’t know what’s real. And that’s more than a little freaky. At least things used to be simple, even if it wasn’t real.

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2 thoughts on “Reality

  1. I relate to this so much. It’s amazing just how much an eating disorder can play with what you think is real and what isn’t. For me, I could never believe I was very thin as others saw me and I began thinking people were conspiring against me, messing with my food.. Truly terrible experiences. I hate to know others like you also go through similar things x all the best

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  2. I take antipsychotics as needed actually. They aren’t for psychosis nor do I space out. It simply puts a stop to escalating mania. Like shutting the door to insanity until the next time it creeps back. I fortunately don’t need them everyday. I also take the lowest possible dose.

    For years though, I refused to take them because atypical antipsychotics can cause weight gain. As an anorexic I ran far away from anything with that label never accepting that you have take a lot and take it often for that side effect. Fortunately I got sane enough, or maybe crazy enough, to start with them. They are another tool in my tool box for recovery. I have never gained weight from them.

    I have, however, experienced psychosis. It’s induced by steroids so have to constantly be diligent since doctors love steroids: creams, cortisone shots, nose spray, etc. you’d be shocked how many medications have it.

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